


Just an Apology

by RoyalWaterfowl



Series: Mutant AU [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Gordon's ex walks a mile in his shoes, Reaction, Reaction Scene, ex-wife, it's all just one long reaction scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24850627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalWaterfowl/pseuds/RoyalWaterfowl
Summary: Gordon’s ex-wife Maria already doesn’t think very highly of Gordon, so when Gordon disappears for a weekend leaving her to watch their kid, naturally she assumes the worst of him. The day after he returns home, she’s on his doorstep to give him an earful.Gordon, sworn to secrecy, can’t defend himself with the truth, but luckily someone with him cares to defend his honor.Gordon’s ex is thoroughly put in her place. She reacts to the skill and competence she didn’t know Gordon had..
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: Mutant AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020672
Comments: 22
Kudos: 267





	Just an Apology

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve seen a few fics where Gordon’s ex/Joshua’s mother or some other family member character comments on Gordon being missing during the course of his time in Black Mesa. I’ve always had a hankering for more of that, a craving for one of these outsiders to really be shown what Gordon went through. Even better if they get put in their place in the process! So I wrote her to be a rude person and then I put her in her place. I’m a sucker for reaction scenes :)
> 
> There is Frenrey in this, but I’m sorry to say it’s on the back burner for the majority of this fic. There’s no slow burn, charged moments, or climatic cultivation of romantic tension that I know we all feed off of. I am sorry for that. I don’t want you to be disappointed so I’m warning you up front that this isn’t the romance you’re probably looking for! The primary purpose of this fic is just to make someone feel bad for underappreciating Gordon. Because Gordon is strong and smart and all around awesome and anyone who comments on him being gone for too long needs to see that.
> 
> Warning: there is some minor blood/wounds later on. It starts at “They find Gordon” and ends with “The moment is broken,” way towards the end of the fic.

The day after escaping Black Mesa, Dr. Coomer, Bubby, Tommy, and Benrey are crashing at Gordon’s house. Gordon and Benrey are watching TV in Gordon’s living room while the rest of the science team hang out doing whatever in Gordon’s guest room when Gordon hears a fierce knock on his door. 

Gordon already has a guess as to who it is. His ex-wife, Maria, had been watching their Son Joshua the whole weekend while Gordon went through hell in Black Mesa. He had asked her to watch him on Friday when he went into work, knowing he would be doing an important test that day but not knowing just how wrong it would go. Once Gordon had gotten his phone back on that morning, he saw the flood of texts and calls from Maria as she went from annoyed, to worried, to downright furious, and back to worried. He’d texted her to let her know he was okay and that he was back home and has been expecting her to rip him a new one ever since.

The woman keeps banging on the door and furiously ringing the doorbell as Gordon walks to the door and opens it. She immediately sticks her foot in the doorway so he can’t close it, so she’s standing half in and half out of his house. 

“You know when you told me you’d be gone for all of Friday I had-I had _assumed_ we had the same--the same definition of Friday but you--you know, you-- for _FUCK_ S sake, Gordon!” Maria is practically foaming at the mouth as she yells at Gordon. “You KNOW this wasn’t my weekend to watch him, yeah? You’re fucking lucky my mother could watch him while I was at work today! You motherfucker--I didn’t have any fucking MILK for him this fucking morning! God you’re such a fucking dumbass.” Gordon stands there and waits for her to finish. “All my neighbors think I’m a bad mom now because they all think I don’t feed my kid. You disappeared for--for--for the whole _weekend_ , I was calling and texting you but wow I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you wouldn’t have the fucking thought to check your phone. You said you were going--what, going to work? I don’t even know how you got that fucking job, Gordon, it’s-- That’s a smart person job! And you’re not a smart person, are you? Not really, no?” Maria leans in while she waves her hand in front of his face as if he can’t see her. “ _HELLO??_ ” He just stands there and takes it, knowing that there’s nothing he can do to change her mind, and thanking God he divorced her when he did. “You’re such a fucking dumbass. I don’t know how you haven’t killed Joshua yet. So irresponsible.”

Over the course of Maria’s rant, Benrey had gotten up and approached the door. Standing not far behind Gordon and feeling absolutely incredulous at the audacity of this woman, Benrey watches the exchange for a moment before he steps forward and Maria notices him.

“Who the hell are--” Benrey starts, but Maria beats him to it.

“And who the hell is this? Gordon--what, you’ve been--  _ REALLY _ ?? You said you were going to work but WOW. Just WOW.”

“What is it, Maria?” Gordon asks, tired, and really not having the patience for her today.

“You pawned your kid off on me all weekend knowing full well I hadn’t planned for it and you  _ lied _ to me,  _ LIED TO ME _ , and you’ve just been holed up in here sucking dick all weekend, yeah? That’s what you’ve been doing? Snuggling up to your new manwhore? Wanted to forget you had a kid for the weekend? New low for you! Although I shouldn’t be surprised, you’re--”

Benrey protectively steps between Gordon and Maria, making sure to keep distance between Gordon and the woman insulting him.

“Yeah, Okay, I’d like to know who the hell  _ you _ think  _ you _ are! You came--you come in here, into  _ Gordon’s _ house, you’re acting like you own the place… You--”

“ _ Me _ ? You think  _ I _ came in  _ here _ ? Who the hell are YOU? I’m his fucking wife, dickwad, who are you?”

“ _ Not _ my wife--”

“Gordon, what do you think you’re doing, bringing--bringing some  _ dude _ into your house? Fucking  _ look _ at him!” Maria gestures to Benrey. “He probably stole from you while you weren’t looking. If I were you I would make sure you still have all your valuables. Come on, I thought you’d have better taste in boyfriends.”

“Maria, no! He’s not my--NO! It’s-- look, it’s a long story that I can’t tell but I really have been at work and I would  _ appreciate _ it if you didn’t talk to me like I’m some nobody!”

“Oh, you can’t tell me? Why aren’t I surprised? I’m coming in.” Maria pushes her way into the house not bothering to wait for an invitation. Stuttering, Gordon follows her.

“Benrey, go wait in the kitchen for a minute,” Gordon orders Benrey as he follows Maria over to the couch. Scowling, Benrey does what Gordon says, but never lets the woman out of his sight. He watches as Gordon works to convince Maria to just sit still and calm down for  _ one fucking minute _ before Gordon too walks into the kitchen with Benrey.

“Dude, what the fuck, she--” Benrey starts.

“Benrey, just--” Gordon rubs his hands on his face and through his hair. “Just-- can you not? Please? Don’t start shit with her. And don’t-- _ please _ I know it’s hard for you when you’re mad but  _ please _ don’t do any weird transformations in front of her.” Gordon whisper-yells at Benrey. “We’re supposed to be keeping your “true nature” a secret man, and we can’t just have her go running around telling people she saw you!”

“Calm down, please? I didn’t even do it. People will just think she’s crazy.”

Gordon sighs. “I saw you literally grow and inch. You’re lucky she didn’t notice. And yeah, I know that, but anyone from Black Mesa or otherwise knows better hears--and God knows they will--It’s all over for you. They’ll take you away. We can’t-- I don’t want to gamble over you with the government like this!”

Benrey knows Gordon is right.

“Just-- don’t freak her out, alright? You can come back out there with me while I talk to her, just  _ don’t _ do anything inhuman.”

The two of them walk back to the couch where Maria sits, still convinced that her ex-husband “abandoned” their kid so he could sleep with some guy.

She looks up at them when they come in.

“So what’s your new fuckbuddy’s name? Do you even know it? Of course you wouldn’t.” Maria sounds disgusted.

“I didn’t--” Gordon squeezes his eyes shut for an exasperated moment. “I didn’t  _ sleep with him _ , Maria. I would appreciate it if you would stop acting like I did. He’s just a friend. His name is Benrey.” Maria sits hunched over on his couch glaring daggers at him.

“You’re a bad dad is what you are. Laying around all weekend and lying about it while I slaved for your kid.”

Benrey steps forward. “He’s not a liar!”

“Benrey, don’t--”

“He didn’t-- he’s not--he didn’t lie!” Benrey says, distressed, but trying his best not to transform like Gordon asked. “He wouldn’t-- god, why would he lie? Like, you KNOW what kind of work he does! He doesn’t just have--doesn’t just go to some office from 9 to 5 every day and do  _ paperwork, _ he-- he does REAL SHIT, real DANGEROUS shit, and I don’t think you-you understand that at all! Okay? There was-- there was a  _ test _ , it was a  _ test _ and something went  _ wrong _ and you need to  _ RESPECT HIM _ because he went through some bad shit this weekend, okay?! Like...just, what the fuck?

“We’ve been  _ stuck _ in the facility together for  _ three. Days. _ With some other scientists and even I know that Gordon’s not a  _ FUCKING  _ liar so I think you should--need to take the stick out of your ass and open your eyes because…” Benrey struggles to show the full breadth of his anger without a transformation, but he pushes through it anyway. “Gordon’s actually a pretty smart fucking guy who saved all our asses from  _ aliens _ and deserves helluva lot more than the respect and dignity he’s getting from you. Does that make sense? To you? Maria? We literally just barely made it back at all last night.” 

Gordon and Benrey go quiet, realizing Benrey’s mistake. Maria just laughs in their faces.

“Aliens? Yeah, okay. Convince me.” 

Sick of Maria’s attitude, Benrey snarls at her.

“No, no, no,” Gordon says, “There are no aliens, just…” He sighs again. “Benrey was just trying to prove a point to defend me. He didn’t mean it.”

“Like hell I didn’t mean it! Dude, she’s being-- she’s treating you like shit and there’s nothing you can even do to defend yourself, so, yeah, I’m gonna tell her what happened.” Benrey turns to Maria. “There were aliens and Gordon kicked all their asses, so--and-- He doesn’t deserve you talking to him like this!”

Gordon continues to talk to Benrey as if he forgot Maria is listening. “Dude she  _ can’t know this! _ We’re going to be in HUGE trouble if she mentions it to anyone,  _ even if _ she doesn’t believe it herself.”

Maria leans back into the couch, crossing her arms. She addresses Benrey. “Yeah, okay, so where are these other scientists if it’s such a big secret? I don’t imagine they spent the weekend with Gordon too? Produce them, and then I’ll believe you.”

Benrey squints at Maria walks to the guest room to find the rest of the science team, much to Gordon’s displeasure. He opens the door to find Bubby and Dr. Coomer scrambling to look like they weren’t just eavesdropping on their conversation.

“Ah, Benrey! Good Afternoon! We were just--”

“Just get out here.” Benrey leads Bubby, Dr. Coomer, and Tommy out to the living room.

“Ah,” He produced them. Maria was clearly expecting Benrey to be bluffing. She sets down her cellphone. “You motherfuckers better tell me what the fuck is going on! Fucking  _ aliens? _ Is this true?”

“No Ma’am! There’s no aliens at all!” Tommy supplies, to Benrey’s annoyance and Gordon’s relief. Maria’s not buying that now, not after three random men just emerged from the room her kid sleeps in.

“No? Then what the fuck happened this weekend then, huh? Because here--from my perspective, yeah, it looks like three random men--who according to Barney here have been helping my husband fight aliens all weekend--just walked out of that room. So if there were no “aliens,” then I’d say it’s pretty fucking clear Gordon here has been sleeping with not one, but  _ four _ strange men behind my back.”

“I’m not your husband--”

Maria turns her attention back to Gordon. “nOt YoUr HuSbAnD-- save it! What the fuck are these grandpas doing here? You’re into fucking old people now? Tell me what the fuck you did  _ RIGHT FUCKING NOW _ or I swear to God--I won’t let you have Joshua anymore.”

“That’s hardly reasonable!”

“Fuck is your problem?”

“Ma’am you shouldn’t threaten that! Mr. Freeman didn’t do anything wrong!”

“I agree with Tommy,” Dr. Coomer adds, “I must say that is quite manipulative of you, Maria! I have to wonder if you treat Joshua like this!”

“She probably does,” Bubby comments to Coomer. “Gordon should probably be filing to take Josh away from  _ her _ .”

“Tell me the truth Goddammit!”

Bubby falters. “Er-ah-yes. We’ve all been sleeping with Gordon.” He’s not very believable.

“The truth, asshole!”

“Ma’am you can’t know the truth! We’re doing you a favor by lying to you!”

“Do I look like I fucking care?? I’m. Keeping. Joshua. Once I get home I’ll tell him his Daddy decided his job was more important to him. You guys are going to break a child’s heart. I can’t believe my baby is going to grow up without a Daddy…”

“For fucks sake, woman! You’ll be breaking your own kid’s heart!” Bubby yells.

Tommy’s composure breaks as he blurts, “It was an accident!” All eyes move to him. “There was a--it was a--we were doing a test and it went wrong and Gordon was in the chamber…! It was a resonance cascade, Gordon didn’t know it was going to happen or he would have told you…!”

“A resonance cascade?” Maria asks.

“It means hell came to us.”

“The Resonance Cascade was a cataclysmic quantum event which tore a rift between Earth and the Border World Xen, thus allowing ‘aliens’ to invade the Black Mesa Research Facility. It was these aliens which my cohorts and I have been fighting all weekend, and this rift that Gordon ultimately closed!”

“Yeah, that. Hell came to us,” Bubby reiterates.

“We  _ MADE _ Hell come to us, my dear Bubby!”

“Actually it was Xen…” Tommy corrects, not realizing they meant a figurative hell.

Maria has to believe some of this, since the Benrey guy did produce three strange men who all have the same story. Maria is processing when there is a knock on Gordon’s door. All eyes turn to the door, no one having any idea who it could be. Tentatively, Gordon walks to the door to answer it. He opens the door to see a man in a dark grey suit standing there, who promptly handcuffs Gordon.

“Wait, what the hell? Wait--”

They vanish into thin air, teleporting away.

“Mr. Freeman! No!”

“What--where did he go??”

“They took him away!” Dr. Coomer exclaims. “That was a cover-up agent! Somehow they seem to have already found out that we exposed a civilian to classified information! They must have teleported him to a secondary location.”

Everyone turns to look at the civilian. She looks back at them, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

“What. Did. You. Do.” Benrey asks.

“Nothingg! I tweeted about him making up aliens at work...before I knew to believe you!”

“You  _ tweeted?? _ ”

“What else was I supposed to do! When he makes shit up I like to vent! I acted like I didn’t even believe it anyway in the tweet so I don’t see why they had to come for him! And wh-they just fucking vanished!?  _ Hello _ , what the fuck?”

“It doesn’t MATTER if you didn’t believe it, if they saw it then  _ they _ think Gordon told you the truth!”   
  


Tommy looks up from a moment of consideration. “They-they-they teleported! Sunkist can teleport! We can-we can follow them!”

“Since the fuck when can Sunkist teleport?” Bubby asks him.

“Since...since Xen! Going through those portals gave...it infused him with teleporting! And he can track it too!”

Still discussing the agent’s appearance with Benrey, Dr. Coomer muses, “He only came for Gordon, despite us all being responsible. It seems he doesn’t know the rest of us were here with him.”

“Well it is just Gordon’s house. They knew where he lived, is all.” Benrey glares at Maria. “And they knew he was related to  _ her _ .”

Benrey squints at her again for good measure as Tommy summons Sunkist and addresses the group. Maria is reeling from the dawning realization that she may have gotten Gordon--her friend, despite everything--into deep trouble. What she had originally thought was a flimsy excuse has turned into something much larger than herself, and she’s beginning to regret not trusting him in the first place.

“Everyone hold on to Sunkist!! He can take us to them!”

The guys all place their hands on the dogs back, crowding around him and leaving no room for Maria. After only a moment of hesitation, Maria butts in anyway. The men look at her strangely--as if her accompanying them was either unwelcome or unexpected--but Gordon’s her friend and the father of their kid, so she’ll be damned if she’s not going with them.

“Sunkist, take us to Mr. Freeman!”

With that, the world melts around them in a nauseating blast and moments later they find themselves standing in a plain looking corridor that is disorientingly similar to those in the Black Mesa Research Facility itself. Maria watches as the Survivors all promptly put up their guard, Quickly adjusting to their old routines.

“It looks like Black Mesa, but it’s not! Sunkist says we’re in a different--in a different place! But she can’t tell where!”

_ So it’s like Black Mesa? That’s why none of them are surprised… _ Maria becomes increasingly aware of the fact that she’s the only one in the group who doesn’t know a thing about Black Mesa. 

Sunkist sniffs around for a minute, before choosing a direction to go in.

“This way! Sunkist can smell him!” Tommy exclaims, and on they go.

The group marches forward at a measured pace, but Maria lags behind. She’s never felt so out of the loop before. She doesn’t recognize these halls and the atmosphere makes her feel like a fish out of water, while these guys she’s with have fallen into some sort of routine as though they lurk these halls in their sleep. She’s truly the odd one out, something she’s not used to being. It makes her feel even worse seeing how the guys aren’t even paying her any attention. She knows they’re mad at her. She feels alone.

It’s when they encounter their first head crabs that she realizes just how in over her head she is.

The guys work like cogs in a machine, punching and kicking out the little creeps like it’s nothing while she embarrasses herself by running. Bubby pulls a gun out of his waistband and unloads a single bullet into a head crab down the hall. With that taken care of, the Survivors turn to look at Maria. 

Afraid and curled in on herself, Maria eyes them back through the fringe of her hair. She’s looking at different people now, she knows. She’s looking into the eyes of men who have done things she didn’t think possible. She becomes self-conscious of her messed-up up-do and her delicate blouse in comparison to the blood stained clothes and battle hardened eyes of the men who now have to clean up a mess she made.

She’s overwhelmed.

“Welp. Never thought I’d have to see those fuckers again,” Bubby comments.

“Wait, again?” Maria interjects. “What do you mean, ‘again’?”

“I  _ mean _ we’ve fought those fuckers once, and now we’ve fought them again, and we will probably be seeing more.”

Maria looks at him dumbstruck.  _ Again? How in the hell? _

Coomer speaks up. “This is what we’ve been doing all weekend!”

“Are these… the aliens?”

“Yup!”

“Eh, those are just the small ones,” Bubby adds. “They get bigger. Honestly, you’re lucky it was headcrabs you encountered first.”

Maria just looks between them, a stuttering mess. These are the aliens? The aliens were real? Clearly they had to be doing  _ something _ all weekend… but this? The reality of the situation settles on Maria. That was a terrifying ordeal she just went through, and these guys are saying that those were the  _ small ones _ . That they’ve fought countless monsters.

The team proceeds through the corridors, encountering many head crabs and a handful of other larger and much scarier creatures that Maria has to depend on the others to handle for her. She feels like a burden on them.

It’s just after Dr. Coomer punches out another head crab for her that she asks him more about their time in Black Mesa.

“So… were you guys just. Stuck here? Or-at Black Mesa?”

“Yep!”

“You couldn’t leave at all?”

“That’s right.”

“Wow… I couldn’t imagine that. Wow.” Maria pauses and lets out a breath of wonderment and awe at the prospect. “It’s just.. I already feel like crawling into a ball and crying, and you… You couldn’t escape at all. All day, every day… This feeling, this paranoia. I feel like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, and you slept like this? How did you guys manage?”

Dr. Coomer pauses to consider. “Well my dear… I suppose you could say we couldn’t,” he says, uncharacteristically somberly. “We… we all are going to have problems for a long time after this. Once we got out to Gordon’s house last night, we all thought we could at least trust that we’d never have to do this again. I thought maybe, even if the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was going to be hell… at least it wouldn’t be this hell.”

Maria stares at the ground as she walks with Dr. Coomer, thinking about what he said. 

“So… how are you guys handling this so well now? We came in here and it was like… It was seamless for you guys. The killing.”

Dr. Coomer lets out a single puff of air akin to a chuckle and says, “I suppose you could call it autopilot! I know I’m running on pure adrenaline right now, and I imagine the others are too. As soon as things calm down, though, we’ll all process and cope in our own ways. Rest assured Maria, we’re  _ all _ in  _ utter  _ agony!” A haunting change of tone accompanied Coomer’s final sentence. He sends a smile Maria’s way before branching off from their conversation and re-joining the greater group. Maria stays in her own head.

\---

Tensions are high as they go, even when the coast is clear. When there are no aliens around, the guys occasionally fill the silence with bursts of conversation and joking. Maria recognizes how they avoid thinking about their situation.

She feels bad for bringing them into this. Remembering what Coomer said about how they had thought they were finally free… How they were all lulled into a false sense of security and  _ she _ was the one to force them out of it. How was she going to live with herself? What if they didn’t all make it out this time? And what about Gordon, where was he? 

Now that Maria has to face the possibility that she may never see Gordon again, she realizes all the things she wishes she had done differently. She should never have underappreciated Gordon, never should have bullied him. That’s what she was, wasn’t she? She was a bully, and now she wishes she could apologize. If only she had trusted him in the first place! If she hadn’t been such a self-serving attention whore, she never would have bitched about him on the internet, never would have gotten him flagged, and he would still be with them! They could have  _ normal _ problems… Remorse eats away at Maria.

She looks up at Benrey, who is leading the group some ten paces ahead of the others. He has been completely silent the whole time they’ve been in there, doing nothing but shooting aliens and trudging ahead when there’s nothing else to do. She watches as he takes only a second to peer into every doorway or branching hallway they pass. He shows no fear that she sees--it’s as if the whole situation is a chore to him. Something he only needs to go through the motions to get over with as soon as possible. The only indication that this is any more than a begrudging obligation is the tension he carries in his shoulders. 

Benrey turns, and she sees more of the side of his face. She sees genuine worry in his eyes and she realizes he was never checking for aliens in all those rooms and corridors. He’s been looking for Gordon. Suddenly she sees his behavior in an all new light. Benrey no longer looks as though he’s simply speeding through a chore. Now it seems like he’s at his wits end searching for Gordon.

Maria remembers the first things she said about Benrey--that he was bad taste, that he was a thief, that he was untrustworthy. She sees now how Benrey cares… and she believes that Gordon will be in strong, capable hands when he gets back. Never mind the fact that Gordon insists they aren’t together. 

She looks at the others. Poorly masked anxiety shows clearly on all their faces, despite their attempts to convince themselves this is business as usual. Not a single one of them besides Dr. Coomer has spoken to her since they got there. She can’t blame them. Over the course of the two hours or so Maria has been stuck in the building with the others, she’s seen and felt for herself some of the physical and emotional strength that went into the past weekend. 

“I...I’m sorry, guys.” The others turn to her when she speaks. Benrey looks back at her from ahead for a moment, but just keeps walking. “I’m sorry you’re all back here again even after you apparently just got out. I put you here...so I guess I’m sorry.” Tears accumulate in her eyes. “I-I just can’t believe this! I’m in hell! This sucks, and I hate it, and I wanna go home, but…You guys have it even worse than me. I’m sorry if you’re mad at me.”

“Of course we have it worse than you! Don’t make this about yourself, lady.”

“Maria, your apology is-is… I was gonna accept it but now, it’s, uh, a-a little lacking!”

“Now Maria,” Dr. Coomer consoles her, “I know we may have it worse than you right now, seeing as this situation is not only traumatic but also triggering, but you shouldn’t worry! Gordon had it far worse than all of us! He lost his hand!”

Maria is not comforted by this at all.

“He lost his  _ hand?? _ ”

“Catch up! Did you not even notice when you saw him?” Bubby annoyedly points out. Maria hadn’t noticed… Doesn’t that make her a bad person?

“Don’t antagonize the poor girl!” Dr. Coomer scolds Bubby, “You know Gordon got a replacement hand from Tommy’s father.”

“Mmb. Fine.” 

“Anyway. Maria, whatever hell we may be going through, I can assure you that Gordon has it far worse than us, wherever he may be!”

“Well then we have to find him! God, this--this is all my fucking fault! I feel so bad, I don’t know how I’ll cope with even this  _ guilt _ when I get home! So we have to find him.”

Benrey stops. He turns and marches back to the group, straight for Maria. He forcefully shoves her into the wall, getting up close and invading her space so she has no choice but to stay.

“Hey!--”

“Shut the fuck up. Shut--shut up. What do you think we’re doing? Do you think we’re doing this for fun? We’re  _ looking _ for Gordon, while you follow us. He lost his--he lost is  _ fucking _ hand and you. You’re worried about a little guilt. You just. UGH.” Benrey grabs her shoulders and jostles her against the wall. “We’re looking. We’re fucking looking. He might be fucking DEAD by the time we find him, and it’s YOUR FAULT so shut the UP and shut your mouth and stop your--your self-serving quibbling while we clean up your mess!” Benrey gives her another shove into the wall as he steps off, giving her one last dirty look before he stomps off to continue the search. The other guys watch him in astonishment for a moment before they awkwardly break to follow. The embarrassed Maria lags behind as usual.

\---

After some more walking, the group sees Benrey peek into a room, raise his brows, and enter. The rest of the group exchange looks, and follows him inside. What they find is a room full of monitors playing footage of what appears to be from some sort of closed circuit system monitoring the base they’re in. Maria stares at the footage in curiosity while the others scan them for Gordon’s whereabouts.

“There he is!” Tommy calls to the others. “Wait..”

“I found him over here!” Calls Bubby.

“This is--”

“I’ve found all of us!”

“This is-- this is footage of us at Black Mesa! Was somebody fucking  _ watching us?? _ ” They fall silent at Bubby’s proposition and all exchange bewildered and confused looks. 

“Could someone have orchestrated the Resonance Cascade just to watch how we managed it?” Coomer posits.

“Maybe  _ it  _ was the test!” Says Tommy. 

While the three scientists speculate and mutter to each other, Maria watches the footage, interested to see what all had happened.

She sees clips of Gordon shooting zombies, getting blasted by bombs, and assaulted by marines. She sees him and his friends fighting massive beasts that hardly fit in the halls of Black Mesa. She watches intently as Gordon gets beat up in infrared and hauled off by the military. She is appalled at the sight of the next clip, where she sees Gordon hobbling out of a trash compactor clutching his gorey stump.  _ What did they want from him? _

She looks to another section of the wall to watch some other memories. She watches as the man she now recognizes as Bubby protests and struggles against the strange men shoving him into some sort of tube, and watches some more as it fills with a strange fluid and they leave Bubby there to hover alone. She watches outdoor footage of Dr. Coomer performing an inhuman leap over the crest of a mesa.  _ He can do that? _ She makes a mental note to be weary of him. She then turns to another screen and leans in close to try to decipher what it is Gordon’s shooting at there… because it looks like there’s a skeleton just hanging out among the scientists, and she struggles to believe that.

She moves closer to Benrey’s side of the room, keeping her distance from Benrey himself as she watches the same footage he does. There are scenes of Gordon and Benrey sitting up at night chatting about who knows what while the others sleep around them. 

She watches another screen where Benrey gently lifts Gordon’s arm stump up towards his mouth. Benrey pauses as if asking for permission. It’s clearly a tender moment, one they never intended anyone to see. Benrey opens his mouth and Maria is perplexed as she sees grainy circles fly out of Benrey’s mouth and clump around Gordon’s arm.  _ Ah… what? _ She was expecting a kiss, not that.

She sees a number of clips in which Benrey and Gordon take hits for each other, care for each other. She sees another clip so still it could be a photo in which Gordon can be seen laying in Benrey’s lap? Maria remembers when he used to do that with her. She feels a little like she shouldn’t be watching, like this is an invasion of privacy, but there’s a part of her that’s jealous and she doesn’t look away. She also can’t help but notice that in quite a few of the clips, Gordon has his long hair french braided, which is something she  _ knows _ Gordon can’t do on his own.

She already knew that the guys she’s been with experienced something unspeakable, but seeing all this… It really solidifies in her mind that it _happened_ , and not just over a few hours. These men really were in there for _days_ , and they had to get along and make it feel as normal as possible. They had to get _comfortable_. And Gordon was _with them the whole time,_ a fact which Maria guesses she hadn’t entirely processed until then. All this while Maria was at home with her kid, worrying about milk and being none the wiser. _Oh, Gordon. Will I ever get to tell you I’m sorry?_ _Will I see you again?_

Maria sheds a few tears she didn’t know she was accumulating. Noticing this, Tommy leaves his conversation with Bubby and Coomer and walks over to her.

Placing a hand on her shoulder, Tommy asks, “Are you alright?”

Maria rubs her eyes and nods.

“Yeah, I just…I just didn’t appreciate him enough.”  _ but now I do, and I don’t know if he’ll ever know _ .

Tommy nods somberly in understanding, patting her shoulder. Nearby, Benrey watches the exchange from the corner of his eye. He rolls his eyes and scowls at Maria’s words. His attention is largely focused on the memory he’s watching of the time he pleated Gordon’s hair.

\---

The group proceeds through not-Black Mesa the same way as before. They’ve been there for hours now. When Benrey looks through another non-descript doorway and freezes, the others rush to catch up and look for themselves. 

They find Gordon, looking like an absolute mess. He’s clearly been fighting aliens empty handed. His knuckles are bloody and bruised and he has scratches all up his arms. His clothes are torn. His eyes are puffy and red with streaks running down his face where he was crying. He looks absolutely unhinged, like he’s been freaking out. When he sees them his eyes blow wide.

The group, hardly believing they finally found him, approach him slowly. He’s frozen; he can’t believe it either. 

“Gordon,” Dr. Coomer says comfortingly, “It’s us. We’ve found you, we’ve come to take you home.”

Gordon blinks as he snaps out of his reverie. “Yeah! Hey! Glad, uh, glad you made it! Heh.” He rubs the back of his neck, wincing as his hair pokes at the wounds on his hands. “I honestly didn’t know if I was gonna be getting out of here, so. Yeah! Glad you came.” He forces a chuckle, obviously trying to act like the whole situation is no big deal. 

“What happened to your hand.” Benrey says. It’s hollow and distant, and doesn’t sound like a question.

“What? Oh, this?” Gordon lifts his fist and looks at his bruised and bloody knuckles like one pretends to read the nutrition facts on food labels in the store. “Yeah I just punched a walls. A wall. Some walls.” Gordon presses his lips into a line as he waits for Benrey’s disapproval.

Rather than scolding Gordon, Benrey walks closer, much to Gordon’s surprise and confusion. He gently takes Gordon’s fist and brings it closer to examine it. His face is twisted into a sad pout.

“It’s not, like, bad or anything. I just thought I would be stuck here and that I’d never see you guys or Joshua again, so…” Benrey meets Gordons eye, and he looks  _ so sad _ . His eyes are shiny, wet with tears. Gordon can see everything he’s thinking.  _ Why did you do this to yourself? _ Benrey looks back down at the hand and after only a beat of hesitation, brings it to his lips. He kisses softly the bruises on his hand, careful to avoid the open wounds. He holds the tender contact for a few seconds. Gordon can’t help but stare, mouth ajar. Benrey’s never… Benrey’s never  _ kissed _ him before… even if it’s just on the hand. The rest of the group is watching quietly from behind, none wanting to interrupt. When Benrey parts from the kiss, Gordon’s hand is completely clean and healed. He looks back up into Gordon’s eyes, and they share a look.

The moment is broken when the rest of the group finally walk up to them. They ask the questions everyone’s wondering: Where are we? Why didn’t they just arrest Gordon like normal, why bring him here?

“What did they say to you, Gordon?”

“Well,” he answers, “They told me when I got here that they had planned on leaving me alone, until I let it slip to Maria about the aliens.” Everyone frowns, knowing it was actually everyone  _ but _ Gordon who spilled the beans. “And since I managed to screw that up so  _ quickly _ , they decided to hell with it, I guess. They said that since they had to detain me anyway, that they had more use for my… services… Basically I guess they wanted me to clean up their fucking mess some more! Who the hell fucking knows, after this place there’s probably countless other “messes” for me to clean up! They probably didn’t plan on letting me go again.”

“It’s a damn good thing Tommy’s dog can teleport then,” Bubby says.

“Sunkist can teleport?” Gordon asks.

“Yeah! And now that we have you, we can go home!” Tommy calls Sunkist over. The others fall into place surrounding the dog, while Gordon does what they do, trying to keep up. “Okay, now everyone touch Sunkist! Sunkist, take us back to Gordon’s house!” Benrey grabs Gordon’s arm from next to him.

Frantically, Gordon speaks up. “Wait wait wait! What’s gonna happen--”

The world upturns around them. Gordon squeezes his eyes shut to combat the motion sickness. When the motion settles, he opens his eyes to see his own living room.

Gordon collapses to the floor, stunned and sick and Benrey goes down with him. Benrey hasn’t stepped away from Gordon once since they found him, even wedging his way closer protectively when the rest of the group first came up to them.

“We’re probably gonna wanna find you a new house, Gordon,” Bubby mentions. “Keep you hidden.” He looks down on Gordon. “They know where you live, you know.”

Exasperated, Gordon replies, “yes Bubby. I think I know that by now.”

“Sheesh. Just making sure you knew.”

Gordon can’t be bothered to care about real estate at the moment. All he cares about right now is feeling the ground beneath him, calming down, and praying that he really is home. From next to him, Benrey only cares about Gordon.

Tommy, Bubby, Dr. Coomer, and Maria all move into another room when Dr. Coomer suggests they give him some space.

Alone and in the quiet, Gordon manages to calm himself down. He and Benrey end up moving to the couch together, where they sit with Gordon leaning into Benrey who has his arms around him. Neither of them care enough at the moment to be overly concerned by the intimacy. It’s quiet save for Gordon’s sniffles and the conversations they tune out from the other rooms. They’re still for a minute, until Benrey hesitantly presses a kiss to Gordon’s head. It’s unexpected and surprising, and Gordon feels like he’s holding his breath, waiting to see if it happens again, waiting to see if it really did happen.

A beat passes.

“I, uh, I didn’t know if you were gonna make it back either. Uh.”

“Huh?” Gordon wasn’t prepared for Benrey to speak.

“Uh--When we were looking for you, I realized I..I never got to-uh-got to apologize so I’m. I’m sorry. I did some bad things to you at the place and I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Gordon sits up and tries to look into Benrey’s eyes. Benrey’s eyes are squinted shut as if to block out the guilt. He presses his forehead to Gordon’s, eyes still shut.

From this new position, he continues: “I also want to tell you that I fucking CARE, man. I try to play like I don’t care and I insult you and I annoy you but I fuckin’ CARE. I care so much and I was just gonna keep pretending I didn’t and just keep living like we have been because I thought it was okay. I thought I was okay with just being that-that annoy-lord you’re just STUCK WITH all the time. That no one wants to invite. But today happened and you got taken away and-and I realized I’m not okay with that. I’m not okay with that and I don’t want you to feel like that I want you to feel GOOD I want you to feel GOOD when you see me, when you think of me. I want to be a good thing to you. I want you to--God, I just KNOW when you think of me all you do--all you remember is pain and hurt and I don't want that. I don't LIKE that. I want you to want me around like I want you around, I want you around all the time and I wanna be with you. I wanna be with you every day and I wanna wake up in the same place as you and I wanna go to sleep in the same place as you. I don’t want you to tell me to fuck off anymore, I don’t want you to  _ want _ me to fuck off, Gordon. That hurts and, god, I just KNOW what I did to deserve that and knowing that I hurt you like that hurts even worse and I wanna take it all back. I want to undo everything I ever did to you and kiss it better. I want to heal you, I want to save you, I want to protect you and guard you and I want to love you...”

Benrey pulls back and looks Gordon in the eye. Gordon’s surprised? Crying? Thinking Gordon’s upset with what he said, he lets go of Gordon and pulls back.

“I’m sorry,” Benrey says. “I can go now. You told me to get out of your life so okay. I’ll--I’ll do that now. I’m sorry. You’ve been through a lot and you should rest.”

Benrey ducks and looks away, but as he starts to stand up, Gordon grabs his arm. Benrey quickly looks back into Gordon’s face. Gordon is still giving him an unreadable look, with tears in his eyes. Benrey had thought he was supposed to leave, and Gordon still looks like he wants him to, but he’s also holding onto Benrey with this iron grip as if he wants him to stay. Benrey’s just confused and jumpy after his surprisingly heartfelt confession. He doesn’t know what to think anymore.

“..wha?”

“Stay. Please?” Gordon looks at Benrey with a pleading look that tears down all his walls.

Benrey hesitates. “...okay.” he settles back down, lounging sideways on the couch while Gordon lies between his legs and relaxes back into his arms. It’s quiet again, tender. Benrey’s still feeling raw and on edge from his confession. He can’t figure out how Gordon can be comfortable like this, being so close to Benrey. Thinking about what he did to Gordon makes him feel disgusting. Like he should just throw himself away so Gordon never has to see his disgusting face again.

Gordon speaks from his place on Benrey’s chest. “I...know what happened now. They told me when they took me to that new place. You were ever in control. So...I forgive you. I don’t--I didn’t-- I never hated you. So please stay.”

Benrey finds that hard to believe, but he’s worn out and ready to concede. 

“...okay.”

They just lay like that, being still and feeling each other’s presence. It lasts for a beautifully long time, while at the same time not long enough. From the other room, they can hear Maria on the phone with her mother, who she had apparently asked to watch Joshua that morning while Maria was at work. Maria was expected to be home around three in the afternoon, but she had gone straight to Gordon’s house after work to scold him. She had thought it would be just a quick errand. It was well past ten p.m. now. 

“I’m so sorry!” They hear Maria shout into her phone. “I just stopped by my ex’s house because--”

“OH, YOUR EX, HUH?? I should have known, yeah? You were thinking about your hunky ex so much you forgot you  _ already _ made a kid with him? Come get your FUCKING son! It’s so fucking late right now. You’re gonna have to wake him up. I should just keep him at this rate. You’d probably like that, you’d have plenty of time to re-fuck your ex-husband without the first kid sitting around needing shit, yeah? Fuck! I have lost my faith in you!” 

They can clearly hear the other woman’s words through Maria’s phone and through the house, be that a testament to the quality of the house, the phone, or Gordon’s ex-mother-in-law’s volume. She continues to yell at Maria.

Since she can’t tell her mom the truth, she just has to let her keep believing what she wants to believe--that is, that she abandoned her kid with his grandmother to sleep with Gordon all day. She knows she just lost a sitter and a lot of respect from her mother. Thinking back on the shit she went through that day, Maria can’t help but feel grossly underappreciated. The only other people who know the truth are in that same house with her, and that’s how it will always have to be. Maria finally knows how Gordon felt when she came to yell at him earlier that day. Listening to her mother’s rant, she feels another wave of guilt wash over her. 

Out in the living room and still holding Gordon, Benrey snorts. “Heh. She deserves that.”

Gordon chuckles fondly into Benrey’s stomach. “Yeah. She does.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually my first fanfic and my first real writing project in general, so please also let me know how you feel about my writing style! I'm still developing it.
> 
> When I was writing this and had to stop to ask myself "is this okay? Is this good? Will people like this?" I've always just reminded myself to write what *I* want to read. And *I* want to read an 18 page long reaction scene. So that's what I wrote! Please leave kudos and comment so when I check back every 20 minutes on the stats of this fic I know those of you who read it didn't hate it, lol!
> 
> Find me on tumblr @royalwaterfowl!


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